Golfing in Las Vegas - Humor - Text only version

Golfing in Las Vegas Golf 's Humor & Words of Wit Change to graphics version

Humor and laughter is good for the soul, the heart and the body - and necessary when playing golf. So in the middle of all the seriousness of this web site, I submit this page. These are short one liners, sayings, bumper stickers, etc, that I have found on the net, have come from E-mail notes, over heard, or whatever, that I have enjoyed. This page may end up being short, but I will only include short ones, and not the long jokes. This way you may even remember them longer. Enjoy them if you can, ignore them if you can't enjoy them.

Some humorus Quotes
When golfing legend Jack Nicklaus responded to a question by a TV reporter: "You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" (May, 2001)
He answered: " The holes are numbered."

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially to my mother and father." Golfer Greg Norman (July, 2001)

One Liners
1. Never pick up a lost ball - until it stops rolling.

2. When playing golf, be alert - the world needs more lerts.

3. Golf spelled backwards is flog.

4. Work is for people that have not learned to play golf.

5. Golf was once a rich mans sport, but now there are millions of poor players.

6. Years ago, when man cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, we call it golf.

7. One of the quickest way to meet new people is to pick up the wrong ball on a golf course.

8. Please, Lord, let me prove that a hole in one won't spoil me.

9. When playing golf, don't lie or cheat ...unnecessarily.

10. The easiest way to find a lost club is to buy a replacement .

11. I used to be a bad golfer with cheap clubs. Now, I am still a bad golfer - but my clubs are impressive.

12. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

13. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

14. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

15. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.

16. Your best round will be followed almost immediately by your worst.

17. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

18. Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.

Golf Facts
1. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look back down again at exactly the moment you ought to be watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

2. Since bad golf shots come in sets of three, your fourth bad shot is really the beginning of the next set of three.

3. Any change works for a maximum of one day and a minimum of not at all.

4. No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

5. Golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

6. Never try and use more that three hundred swing thoughts during one swing.

7. A golfer’s downswing speed is equal to his back-swing speed times his handicap.

8. If your approach shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

9. If you are afraid that your second shot may reach the green while the group ahead is putting out, you can either immediately shank a lay-up or wait until the green is clear and top the ball halfway to the green.

10. The less skilled the player the more likely he will share his ideas about the golf swing.

11. The inevitable result of any lesson is the elimination of the one unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for your other swing faults.

12. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.

13. Everyone fixes his divot after a perfect approach shot.

14. A golf match is the test of your skill against you opponent’s luck.

15. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and those that bounce just the way you planned.

16. Its surprisingly easy to sink a fifty-foot putt when you are lying-ten.

17. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

18. It’s not a gimme if you are still away.

19. Never buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.

20. If you want to hit a seven iron like Tiger Woods try laying up short of a water hazard.

21. There are two things that you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking your hand position: how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.

22. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

23. If you want to eliminate your slice try fading the ball around a tree to reach the green.

24. Often the shortest distance between you and the pin is a straight line passing directly through the trunk of a very large tree.

25. You can hit a fifty-yard wide fairway only 10% of the time but a 1” tree branch 90% of the time.

26. Any time a golfer makes a birdie he must make two triple bogies to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

27. Any ball that you can see in the rough from fifty yards away is not yours.

28. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker.

29. If there are two balls in the bunker, your ball is the one in the footprint.

30. If you really want to get better at golf go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

31. Always aim at a bunker or a tree, lord knows you never hit what you aim for.

32. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his haircut.

33. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.

34. Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

35. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.

36. 99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that .01% will stop a golf ball dead.

37. It is always winter somewhere.

38. Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway.

39. A two foot putt counts the same as a two foot drive.

40. Its a simple matter to keep the ball in the fairway, if your not too choosy about which fairway.

41. For most golfers, the difference between a one dollar ball and a three dollar ball is two dollars.

42. You can put "draw" on a ball, you can put "fade" on a ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on a ball.

43. The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the supply decreases.

44. No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being marked.

45. An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.

46. The older I get, the better I was.

47. 90% of putts left short don't go in.

48. Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

49. The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

50. It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

51. The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

52. The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

53. Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

54. Confidence evaporates in the presence of water.

55. Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

Not golf related, but funny
Be Alert - the world needs more lerts.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, your it.

I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.

I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.